he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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