This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
