nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
