I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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