I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
