Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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