Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
