Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
