in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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