so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
