Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
