I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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