I can text with my tongue
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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