I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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