Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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