Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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