That's when you crack a 10am beer
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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