But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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