She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
