How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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