I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
