he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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