Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
