I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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