can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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