how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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