my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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