First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
