She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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