I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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