I met the friendliest cop last night
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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