this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
