The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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