Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
