I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
