i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
