So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
