I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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