1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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