I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
