This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
