I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
