I can text with my tongue
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
