I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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