I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I need to stop coming to work sober
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
