he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
