rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
