my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
