So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
