gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
